Born in a Chair
It was 2am, and for once, quiet in the maternity hospital. There were about three women contracting away in labour ward, but they weren't due to be examined in the next few hours, and there was nobody waiting to be seen in the admissions suite. We were sitting around, talking nonsense, when we heard the ping of the elevator. The whoosh of the doors was followed by the kind of screaming that can only mean one thing: a baby's about to pop out from between someone's thighs.
I cautiously poked my head around the corner, to see what was coming my way, and it was as I suspected: careening towards me was a clenching/shrieking lady on a wheelchair, pushed by her sweaty, bug-eyed husband, yelping granny following closely behind. Admissions Sister, sensing an impending delivery in which she wanted to play no role, planted herself firmly in the doorway and yelled, 'You shall not pass!' Gandalf-style, one powerful arm pointing towards labour ward. Bug-eyed husband did a quick U-turn and pushed his wife through the first labour cubicle's door, leaving a trail of bloody dots in his wake.
In and out, and in and out, and in and out of labour cubicles he ran, apologising over his wife's screams to the labouring women he encountered in each. Finally we met up in the fourth, me yanking on a pair of gloves, his wife screaming now at top notch.
'Stop screaming!' I screamed, 'Get out of your chair and climb onto the bed.'
'But it's out, it's out!'
'OK, stay in your chair!' I yelled, picturing baby bungeeing from vagina to floor. Bug-eyed husband kneeled down in front of her and yanked at her pants. He pulled them down over her thighs, and there was a sudden, total silence, as we all looked at the small human squished between its mother's legs and the wheelchair. Everyone held their breath as I reached down and picked it up, and then...
'KwaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHH!' - the best sound in the world: a healthy baby. I snipped the cord and handed him to even-more-bug-eyed dad, and the mom hobbled over to the bed so that I could deliver the placenta.
I cautiously poked my head around the corner, to see what was coming my way, and it was as I suspected: careening towards me was a clenching/shrieking lady on a wheelchair, pushed by her sweaty, bug-eyed husband, yelping granny following closely behind. Admissions Sister, sensing an impending delivery in which she wanted to play no role, planted herself firmly in the doorway and yelled, 'You shall not pass!' Gandalf-style, one powerful arm pointing towards labour ward. Bug-eyed husband did a quick U-turn and pushed his wife through the first labour cubicle's door, leaving a trail of bloody dots in his wake.
In and out, and in and out, and in and out of labour cubicles he ran, apologising over his wife's screams to the labouring women he encountered in each. Finally we met up in the fourth, me yanking on a pair of gloves, his wife screaming now at top notch.
'Stop screaming!' I screamed, 'Get out of your chair and climb onto the bed.'
'But it's out, it's out!'
'OK, stay in your chair!' I yelled, picturing baby bungeeing from vagina to floor. Bug-eyed husband kneeled down in front of her and yanked at her pants. He pulled them down over her thighs, and there was a sudden, total silence, as we all looked at the small human squished between its mother's legs and the wheelchair. Everyone held their breath as I reached down and picked it up, and then...
'KwaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHH!' - the best sound in the world: a healthy baby. I snipped the cord and handed him to even-more-bug-eyed dad, and the mom hobbled over to the bed so that I could deliver the placenta.
And so you see, Amanzimtoti, sometimes it does happen just like in the movies :)
7 comments:
October 08, 2008
The Gandalf imagery is just awesome.....
October 08, 2008
That's what I'm afraid of!
October 15, 2008
That brightened my day no end.
(^_^)
October 25, 2008
Fantastic post! That made me laugh.
October 25, 2008
Lol. Same thing happen 2 me wen i was on call @ the same hospital for 4th yr rotation. As a student, the 1st thing u think is 'shame, is the baby ok' then 'damn, there goes my 15 and last delivery'. Atleast i did.
October 26, 2008
Anon - hmmm, do I know you in real life?
October 26, 2008
dont worry, you likely dont. ive been reading your blog for a while now and there is only one hospital i know of that has 1 long corridor, 4 wards, gynae and surgery mixed (what the hell!) and a very very dramatic trauma unit. i dont think any other hospital has the guts to replicate this kinda setting. i just put 2 and 2 2getha.
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